These past several months have cost me relationships with my fiancé, my mother and today my best friend.
They also nearly cost me myself.
Several months ago I posted about how my best friend had found a treatment that she thought would be amazing for me, she said I would have a chance at a ‘normal life’ that I didn’t have to be in pain all the time. She sent me a stack of details and I posted that I was finding it really tough, that I was having to protect myself from her in regards to psudoe cure-type treatments. Well, today her insistence that I see this quack Dr cost me my friendship with her.
Over the past few months she had been pushing me to see him several times, not taking my putting her off or changing the subject as the ‘no’ it was. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or get hurt anymore.
Well, I’ve done my research, I took that research to some of my treating clinicians and they agreed with me that it was not worth my time. Then last week while I was in the depth of my suicidal haze she started hounding me about it again, she proposed that I went and lived with her for 3 months, that I asked my Dad and my Brother to pay for the treatment, again she was pushing the outcomes she believed I would get at me. I asked her if we could talk about it another time, she said yes, but that she wouldn’t stop talking about it until I saw this Dr. I told her then that I wish she understood how much it hurt me to have her say that.
During the week I received an email from her asking if I had thought about it more. On Friday morning I finally sat down and wrote her a polite and sad email as to why I was not going to see him and why I wanted her to stop asking. Her response was one of anger, she couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to get better, she had said before that because I wasn’t born with the pain that was proof that it was treatable. Well, I got pretty angry, and I sent her another email, telling her I was angry and that I was not going to see this guy, she sent me a text saying she had deleted the email without reading it.
It seemed simple at that stage, I could respect myself and walk away from the woman who means most to me in the world or I could give in and see a Dr who I have no desire to see, who I don’t believe in, I don’t believe in his profession, his research or his approach. So, I told her I had to walk away, and I got a very offensive response.
Since I made the call for help two weeks ago, I have solidly realised that my opinion does matter, that my wants and needs do matter, that I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, that ‘no’ is a sentence in itself, and I will no longer treat myself with the lack of respect and care that I have been giving myself for my entire life. I had to walk away from the best friend I’ve ever had, because to not would be to go back on the entire reason I’m still alive.
I’m so sad, I’m do angry, I want to shake her and force her to see that this is my illness, and it’s my treatment. I want to tell her that for a treatment to work, any treatment, you have to believe in it, or you won’t get better. I want to show her how much a placebo works, I want to give her a taste of what this life is, and the pain of having someone you trust so much misuse that trust. But I can’t do any of those things. My best friends arrogance had lost me her company, her conversation, her sense of humour and her ability to challenge me and respect me. She has also lost all of those things, and I would bet that there are two very angry, very sad souls out there tonight.
Over the years this disease has cost me several people, from when I first felt the stings of pain right up to her today. The loss of people is a toll that they don’t often tell you about when it comes to chronic illness, to disease, to disability. I will miss this woman’s presence in my life, but I won’t give up the respect for myself that has only just knocked down the door, that no one can take from me.
“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”—
"Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice…" It’s not always this lovey-dovey let’s-make-cookies-and-hold-hands-all-the-time. Just wait until the honeymoon effect wares off three to four years down the road
Stupid fucking pharmacy fucking dispensed me 150mg if lyrica rather than 75mg... So I've been taking 300fuckingmg rather than 150mg which would explain why I didn't sleep last night!!!! Really! After 4 fucking months of medication changes I could get some fucking peace from all the fucking side effects all the fucking world!!!!
the definition of a healthy lifestyle is not working out all the time, eating fruits and vegetables and lifting.
a healthy lifestyle is doing whatever you like, smiling, inner peace, eating whatever you like and whatever is good for your body and your soul, loving, being happy, laughing with the ones you love, feeling comfortable with your body and being positive. enjoy being alive.
“Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring barque,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.”— William Shakespeare (via realizes)
1. Recognize that you have choices. Usually people-pleasers feel as if they don’t have a choice, and they have to say yes when someone asks for their help. But you DO have a choice – and it’s Ok to say no.
2. Decide on your priorities. If you already have commitments or you have set priorities…
“If you’re feeling small today I dare you to sit up straighter, look someone who scares you directly in the eye, take up room at the dinner table, make yourself bigger, when ‘sorry’ laps at the back of your tongue, tries to pick up after you, remind yourself that your existence doesn’t demand an apology, that you are allowed to make mess and take up space, do not be afraid to expand. Every single goddamn minute. Expand, expand, expand”—Femme Fatale (via fuckinq)