Did I mention that I’m so frazzled that I am crying…
I hate this crap, I hate being me.
I hate this crap, I hate being me.
I’ve been running an experiment this past week. I wanted to see if my body could handle upping my work hours. I had many reasons for this. I want to get back to work, I’m board out of my brain, I want to get off Centrelink, and many many other things. So, I’ve done five out of the past six days, a pathetic 3-4 hours a day.
Sunday I was fine, Monday, not so fine, Tuesday, I was pretty shattered, this morning I couldn’t get out of bed, I dragged my ass into work, loaded myself up with more sugar than imaginable and attempted to work. I still was half dropping off for most of the afternoon. The drive home was pretty rough today.
So, right now I have goosebumps (which I really shouldn’t have considering how warm I am), I’ve had heat packs on for the past three days, I’ve used sleeping tabs twice, I’ve had take out or skipped meals for half of the time. Last night I petrified my dinner, sculled my wine instead of my water, I could go on but its all the same shit, just a different situation.
I intend on spending the next few days in bed, and I’ve got a very long list of things to do over the next week or so, but I am going to take it very very very fucking slowly.
I guess this means I need to try this again in a few months.
I wish that I wasn’t so exhausted, this whole week, I’ve head energy but I’ve been so exhausted, its soooooo not cool.
I caught up with some amazing friends of mine this evening, we had dinner and played a board game (twice because Chris and I got trounced the first time) at their house and I didn’t realise I was really concerned about them cutting off the friendship.
There are four people that I had in the back of the head that I was on the peripheral of a friendship with because of my old best mate, and when she and I had out bust up I just didn’t know if I would remain friends with them or if that would slowly fade as well. They have been friends with her for about 5 years longer than I have really known them.
These two, I admire so much, I could probably go on for a long time about how much I admire them. And on the way home they basically said the same thing. They said they think I’m fabulous and that I am doing so well with my circumstances and that they love having me around.
Of course I burst into tears and blurted out that I didn’t know if we would be able to remain friends without the other girl and they just told me I was being silly. So here I am, crying, and feeling so very blessed.
I may sleep tonight, YAY!
So, its been a little over a month, I’ve had my first maintenance two weeks ago, I’ve ordered my extensions (from Spain) and I check Etsy probably twice a day to see if they have been shipped yet and I’ve got some awesome silver beads which are in my hair and will look even better when I have the extensions!!!
I have also got myself a .6mm crochet hook so I can do some of the maintenance myself, I am slowly doing bits and pieces of it, I’m not fantastic at it yet, but give me time and I will be unstoppable!!
I’ve had two distinct periods of uncomforted with them and one that is just an underlining frustration. The first is itching (!!!!!), I had read about this, I’d almost expected it, but there was a part of me that thought because I love them so much I wouldn’t get the horrible itching. It didn’t come until after my first maintenance. So two weeks after I got them done, I think what caused it was the irritation to the scalp that was the maintenance. Working the hair into dreads is actually kinda painful, its not terrible, certainly not as bad as a tat or as bad as my every day pain, but because its tiny little pin pricks as a handful of hair strands are being pulled and tugged it does bring tears to the eyes. I am pretty sure that is what started the itching of the scalp. It seems to have calmed down in the past few days and can only assume that I have to expect it every time I go back for maintenance at least for the next few months.
The second is the feel of them (Yeah, I know), they started out feeling pretty soft, not at all like hair has EVER felt before. Soft with a wonderful texture that my over sensitised nerves enjoyed running my hands over. In the past day or so they have started to feel a little brittle perhaps. I can’t exactly explain it, but it feels weird. Again I’ve read about this and expect it will go away soon, but for now, it feels strange.
The underlying frustration is almost the whole reason why I wanted them in the beginning. I have the most fine hear in the freaking world. One of the things I have hated since I was a teenager was the stupid fucking wispy fly-away pieces of shit. So when I first started talking about getting dreads, it was because the fly away fuzziness is meant to be there, its meant to look like that. So now I have the dreads, I don’t mind it as much as I used to, but I sure don’t like it. I think I’ll get used to it, and when I get better and maintenance for myself it won’t be as much of an issue but for now every time I look in the mirror I heave a sigh of frustration.
Okay, so, truth time, and most probably WAY too hard on myself, but I’m trying.
Two of the drugs I’m on commonly make people put on weight. I’ve spent the past many many months trying to stay alive, and then in the last month tentatively exploring the trust I have with my new pain relief and abilities. Through that second process, well, through both of them, I have to relearn to trust myself and my triggers. Sadly my trust is based in a bowlful of fear and avoidance.
So, I’ve put on some weight, which is entirely to be expected and I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that its taking me so long to get back on the horse. I’m starting to think that perhaps its time to make kicking the weight a bigger focus.
In the past I’ve always been trying to protect myself from the fact that with this illness its a *VERY* slow process, and oner that has in be past made me very anxious and depressed. Right now I’m wondering if my super improved self confidence (which isn’t perfect) will help me be able to be more realistic about what I am trying to do.
So I’m sitting her thinking that if I made it a bigger focus that I might be able to keep on track even if I can only work out three times a week, even if I’m still struggling to eat three times a day. That perhaps it will help me be smarter about what foods I am eating and with smarter treating of myself.
In order to do that, I’m thinking of actually weighing myself (SCARY) and putting up something on the inside of my closet door that shows how many kilos I want to get rid of so that I can track how I’m going. And I need to get back to my private diary of when and why I don’t feed myself properly.
I have several big concerns, the first is the anxiety and depression about how slow the process will be for me and if I can pace myself and not do any harm to myself.
If I screw myself over in terms of my pain relief and end up going backwards and fucking my rehab I will find it hard to forgive myself, but if I don’t try, it will be just as bad.
Problem with that is that I just got off the bike and I’m zonked.
1. Don’t expect empathy, understanding or praise and recognition from a narcissistic person. Keep your private thoughts and feelings close to your heart, and don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable.
2. Expect them to be rude and to say offensive things.
3. Don’t be offended by the things they say and do as it’s not about you – they treat others the same way.
4. Make a lot of their achievements and praise them publicly as they’re always looking to be noticed and affirmed.
5. Don’t try to get a narcissist to see things differently as they’re not going to change, or be influenced by you.
6. Understand that a narcissist is going to drain you dry – and will guilt you into think that you haven’t done enough. But it’s actually not true. They just can’t be satisfied.
7. Don’t push for a meaningful relationship with them as it will always be one-sided … look for love from someone else.
I think this is really useful. I’m going to print it out and put it on my wall, to remind me when I am dealing with a certain family member. Perhaps they aren’t a full Narcissist, but jeepers are they close.
I’m kinda organising myself a little collection of moves and exercises to help me out when I’m doing my work outs, my ‘likes’ are FULL of exercises which means that when I get back to working on it, you guys will get lots of posts of things I’m working on.